I am supposed to be doing a bunch of things right now. I am supposed to be writing papers for my summer History class. I am supposed to be reading the Bible and writing a commentary on it. I am supposed to be reading Jesus books and trying to pull together some semblance of the good leader that I am expected to become.
But I am not writing my papers for my summer classes… I am not reading the Bible and books and trying to pull myself into an acceptable leader.
I am broken, merely a war-torn land, kicking at the dirt and expecting a fertile land to suddenly appear. I am eagerly trying to conform to the ways of the world while hoping that personal revival will suddenly happens within. I am the coward who started running in the waves of God’s love, only to run back to land when given the chance, hoping to find something better on the shore.
How is it that the crashing and compelling love of Jesus Christ suddenly not be enough? How is it that I let the worldly desires of my self suddenly become the sole thing I sought after? When did I stop becoming a follower of Jesus Christ and start becoming a friend of God? It’s an insult not only to myself, but also the one person who desperately longs to hold my heart and fill me with his loving-kindness…
It’s like a caged bird who suddenly became free. After flying in freedom and revival, they suddenly flew back into their cage, seeking the comfort that they never found while imprisoned. It reminds me of a verse in Proverbs.
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” – Proverbs 26:11
I have locked myself back into a cage I so desperately wanted to be free from. I am returning to the vomit that I had once expelled in my past, the trash that has been so carefully swept away, in hopes that it tastes better this time around. But it never does. It never satisfies a thirst deep within me. It only tempts me to repeat the cycle in hopes of results that never change.
How can I run from the loving God who will eternally run faster, further, longer, harder that I could ever dream of? How can I sit at the pile of my broken shackles, only trying to put them back together, locking myself in a freedom that was paid by the blood of the Lamb? How can I think that my foolishness will satisfy something deep within me when it never has before?
I keep saying something within me is missing, some piece of the masterpiece He created had suddenly disappeared. In it’s place is this dry, weary, wasteland that had once been filled with the overpowering rivers and streams of my God and King.
Then it hits me.
I am missing His Grace. I missing the holy presence He so desperately wants to fill my life with. The awestruck wonder of His love is replaced with fear, anxiety, selfishness, destructive disasters simply waiting to break me down. Or maybe it has already broken me down. I am no longer bold in the name of Jesus but rather a blunt piece of iron that refused to be sharpened by the tools that He so graciously placed in my life.
I feel dead, dry, empty because I so blatantly ignore the Love of God! How can this awfulness fill my Spirit, created by the gracious Creator of the Universe?! I blatantly ignore and contradict the leadership that I have been placed under. I am everything that I have never wanted to become. How unbecoming it is to even consider. How can I look myself in the mirror and not see the emptiness and brokenness deep within me?!
How do I fix this, Oh God! How can I right a wrong that only you could see? How do I be the person I am so afraid of becoming? How can I wish to be ignored to be filled with your power and love and graciousness when you so willing flood your people with? How can I overcome this?! How can I run from Your presence when I am always in it?
Give me strength to lift my eyes, allow my concrete heart be broken down into a heart that is after you. Because this nothingness cannot even begin to compare to the rivers and streams you want to lead me towards.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.