The Single Woman created a 30 blog challenge for all of the single women that read her blog. I figured “What the heck, I need some guiding writing prompts anyways as I get started pursuing writing to a more serious extent.”
As I began to read through the list of questions, my heart sank as I read the first one that I will be answering today. It is a question that many try to avoid or pretend all together that there isn’t an answer to it.
But there is. As sad as it is to say.
The first question on the list was this:
And why are YOU still single?
*Insert the throwing of the question paper and anything that was setting next to me.*
I don’t want to answer that question. I want to blame all of the men in the world. Maybe I’ll even blame the man who broke my heart when he decided to no longer be present in my life.
But as much as we want to blame everyone else for the fact that we are still floating in the singleness boat, we can’t. It’s not fair to the rest of the world if we don’t accept responsibility and simply suck it up and deal with that fact.
To answer the question, I could name a million reasons as to why I go walk life by myself right now. But to save you from reading a twenty page book on why I am single, I will address the big two factors as to why I think I am still single.
Reason #1: The classic case of “She’s just not ready.”
I refuse to accept that statement as a reason why I am single. I will not accept it.
Honestly, I don’t think we are ever completely “ready” for anything.
I wasn’t ready for a man who has reoccurring appearances in my life to admit that if he wasn’t messed up, we might’ve had a chance. I wasn’t ready for that man to walk out of my life with nothing but unsaid words and me wondering what I did wrong. I wasn’t ready to tackle the oncoming obstacle of moving on, but I kept going towards it anyways. I wasn’t ready to take the heart of a man and completely shatter it. I wasn’t ready to realize that my young fear of being alone could be a possibility and I needed to accept that fact on the ASAP. I wasn’t ready to give myself to a man in hope of saving them from a selfish sin that only God could’ve freed him from.
But all of these things happened. And I wasn’t ready for a single one of these.
We aren’t ready for the curveballs life sometimes throws at us. But somehow in the whirlwind of emotions, events, and even subtle motions that makes up our day-to-day life actions, we realize that we were ready all along. Sometimes events that have a lasting effect on our whole self pulls the courage, tenacity, boldness, anything needed to walk through the fire out of ourselves. What we realize is that it was there all along, just waiting for the moment when we would need it most.
Another thing to consider is that the events of heartbreak, crying on the floor because he broke your heart once again, and standing up to prove that you are more than the stupidity and arrogance of a man, builds us. Out of deep pain, I found the resolution to move forward. To be better as an individual and friend because of what he did to me. I wanted to be better for myself. And I didn’t need a man to do that for me. It had to be on my own terms and done in my own unique way.
Building ourselves is a process in which I am beginning to learn. To expand on that idea, erecting ourselves is an art that must be done alone at times. The world can dictate who we are and what we should be. But does that make us uniquely ourselves? I think the most beautiful man or woman in the world is uniquely them. They have this unapologetic way about how they carry themselves and how they appreciate both themselves and the world around them. It’s such a rarity to see people like this. To be unbroken by society.To be strong and beautiful in their own unique way.
I want to be that person. To not be unbroken by the cruelties of life but to have these scars and say, “This one is from when he hurt me. Because of that hurt, I stood back up, laughed at the brokenness, dusted myself off, and simply kept walking. I turned, gave him one last smile, and focused on where I was going.” Or to point to another scar and say, “This one is from when I became a skeptic of Jesus Christ. This is when I realized what it meant to be lukewarm not only spiritually but also in the whole entirety of self.And because of such skepticism, I learned to be fully and unconventionally a believer in myself and in Jesus Christ.”
But to become that person, I had to realize that I can truly become her on my own. To learn how to love and need a man desperately but in the end, keep walking alone.
Because at the end of it all, we are ultimately responsible for ourselves and not others. And to become ourselves, sometimes we need to do it by ourselves.
Reason #2: I haven’t found a man who could “handle me”
If we are being honest with each other, I am 99% positive that I have scared off every man in my ministry group and with every interaction I have ever had with any man. Why?
(Image Borrowed from Pinterest)
I know… Cheesy right?! But it’s true. Most girls dream of becoming moms, their career path, or even just being them. I have been blessed/cursed, depending on which way we want to look at it, with the idea that I am and will dominate the world one day. And I can honestly say, I am well on my way. Somewhere between teenagedom and my twenties, I realized that few men would even attempt to try to handle me. Why?
I’m a handful. I tend to think deeply about life things that most people just don’t care enough to think about. I am determined to prove the world that I can dominate the world single and do it well. Why? Because the man I will marry better feel the same way so we can revolutionize the world together.
I also have a strong personality. I get really passionate about stupid things and won’t shut up about any aspect of it until I see acceptable fruit come out of whatever rainbow I might be chasing at the time. I tend to speak before I think, which always leads to terrible consequences.
If I get the privilege of loving someone, which is extremely rare, I give it my all. I throw aside all of the factors and simply love the person. Not who they could they be, who they were, or even what they think they are. I see who they are and I just want to love them for them. It’s a dangerous road loving someone who might never see themselves in the way I do. But you know, God does crazy things on a daily basis and I pray that one day they find that love and affection for themselves.
I tend to get reckless when I believe in something, and that could be both my greatest attribute as a person and also my largest downfall. I’ll make gambles that crash and burn. Or sometimes they skyrocket the situation before I have time to stop and analyze the situation. That’s the life of Katie. I am only human. Without trials, I wouldn’t know triumph over said events. It’s what builds us.
I have all of these great strengths and personality traits but they tend to contradict everything a woman “should be.”
I was made to be a freedom chasing, outside of the box thinking, bluntly speaking, crazy and wacky beautiful mess made of good intentions and even bigger mess ups. But God still loves me for me. Heck! He created me to be that way. Why hate it?
And it’ll take a very special man to be able to look at the above things and say “Hey! I still like you, even when you get super passionate and reckless. I will still love you when you stay up all night thinking about some person or scenario that happened two weeks ago. I will still adore you when your gamble wasn’t a good one and you have to learn from your mistakes.”
Most importantly, I just haven’t found a man who looked at the big hot mess I am and say, “This girl. I like her. I want to be a part of her life.”
And that’s okay. Because I am young, free, and living life the best I can with as few regrets as possible. How many can say that?
I am learning how to do singleness well because that is where I am and I want to do every aspect of my life my all. Why half-ass it when I could give myself the very best and unrequited pieces of me?