Warning: My mind has been going a thousand miles per hour over the last week or so and I just need to try and find some semblance of order before I go on my writing date with my writing partner.
Have you ever had that moment in life when you are just doing some menial task and then the events that have occurred in a previous extended amount of time just begin to weigh heavily on your self and soul? That was me about thirty minutes ago….
This week has run myself emotionally rugged in the fact that I quit my job, it’s been a bad week emotionally, and I have just been uptight, anxious, weary and feeling indescribably helpless. And these negative emotions begin to permeate in other areas of my life…. Which makes me almost unbearable to be around.
On top of these things I have been extremely heavy. The sad part of this particular weariness, I was instinctively aware of why I was feeling this way. Yet, pride and selfishness, along with general disobedience often prevents me to say what it was. To confess to my faked ignorance and simply be real with myself.
I was putting my writing stuff in my backpack so that my writing partner and I could spend time this afternoon working on our deeply deprived novels. As I was just mindlessly wandering around the pigsty of my room, this random hymn I haven’t listened to in over two or three years suddenly started playing on repeat in my mind.
The hymn was I Need Thee Every Hour, by Annie S Hawk. I love the story behind this hymn. Hawk, was a mother of multiple children and one day she was simply reflecting on how much one constantly needs God. Below are the lyrics to the hymn.
When I think I’m going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
-Selah “Hiding Place”
It was as if in my momentarily afflictions, I had realized that I simply ran out of human strength to emotionally and physically handle the events that have occurred this week. I was in a great desperation of need for supernatural strength that I no longer could try and accumulate in my own being. And my pride says, “Rise up, Katie, you can do this. You are strong and nothing can bring you down.”
But here I am. Weary, broken, and in need of something that no one in this realm can even begin to provide. Except Jesus. It’s such a beautiful ideal to realize this when I’m on my way to breaking down because I simply cannot handle my anxiety and endless worrying, my being down when life hits harder than I anticipated. But God can. He wants the burdens that keeps us from falling to our knees before him with empty hands and an expectant heart.
He wants everything.
He simply wants us in our ugly brokenness and frailty that we often have brought upon ourselves.
I was reading the correlating scripture for the above hymn and the second scripture hit home a little too closely for my comfort zone to appreciate. It simply said,
1 Thessalonians 5:17
As soon as my mind comprehended what the Living Word of God was expressing to me, I realized that I simply needed to turn towards him. Like my novel, I have deeply deprived God of the sacred conversations we once shared together. The Father simply wanted to be in a special place of just him and me.
A place of thankfulness.
A place of trust and vulnerability.
A place to weep and be comforted in the arms of the Savior.
A place where I so often run from because it requires me to do the very thing I so often avoid.
Repentance, Confession, laying down my pride at the altar of Jesus.
Yet I know that in spite of my pride, I find that all that I need is hidden away in the depths of the Father’s love.
In the place where I find all that I could ever dream of needing.