I didn’t know this was possible until today. But I realized I could get completely lost inside my own head. The thoughts, worry, fear, conversations with myself, God, friends, the Blue Eyed Babe, are constantly running on fast forward within my noggin. At times it really has no effect on me, yet sometimes I feel as if it’ll never cease.
In the last few months/years, I have been worrying too much about any and everything, focusing on my future with the wrong mindset, and dwelling on a past couple of chapters that simply needs to be closed and shelved on the bookshelf of stories that make up my life until this present moment. But when I least expect it, those chapters I wish I could just leave on the shelves, simply gathering dust from my lack of reflection on them, suddenly make an appearance. Forcing me to face emotions I no longer have the energy or willpower to revisit. It is as if my own conscience wants me to reflect and dwell just a little longer, drawing me away from the here and now.
Instead of enjoying where my life is right now, I am constantly worrying and stressing about every inch of my life that I know for a fact I have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER. It’s amazing how simple yet profound that little fact is to sit here and comprehend.
Somewhere between the past and now, I have seemed to forget that God is in completely in control and all I can do is trust and hold that close to my extremely anxious and stressed heart.
But guys, this is the thing. When I am nose deep in a chapter of a book I no longer should even think about, I miss the little things like the way the Blue Eyed Babe looks at me on a secondly basis, or that life is going fantastic right now. I feel like God was telling me that the more I fail to trust him and focus on the here now, the more I not only hurt myself, but I hinder friendships and my relationships.
Because the people of the past, the men that sometimes haunts me when I just want to forget about them, they are the past. It is as simple as that. They represent a phase of my life that I fail to recall because it is not who I am now. There’s no room in the current or future chapters to drag that drama back into the script for a revival. It’s just not worth it anymore.
`When I get caught up in the frustrations of dealing with worry, anxiety, and stress, I miss the exciting moments that are happening in my life right now. Such as the Blue Eyed Babe and I are celebrating our five-month anniversary on Valentine’s day, I am graduating college in May, my brother is getting married in a little over a week.
I should be rejoicing alongside them. I should be celebrating with them, not surrounding myself with the negative thoughts and emotions that have been ruling my entire life. I just need to let go and let God work in the ways that I know He does. The dark clouds no longer have a place to reside in green pastures in the shadow of the Maker of the Universe.
I need to remain joyous in each of these moments, especially in the fact that it’s all His plan, His story… Because as one of my favorite old dead guys says,
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~CS Lewis
And that is simply the truth. All things that we leave behind might’ve been good and exciting for the time being, but the past is the past. We just have to find the will and strength to close out the chapter and put it back on the shelf to gather dust.
I think this is the moment in which I tell myself that I will quit creeping on the past on social media, delete any lingering moments or thoughts that keeps me away from the now, and just trust that the Will of God will never take me where the Grace of God won’t protect me.
In accepting this, I finally feel joy, peace, a quietness to my soul that I’ve been chasing after for the last few months.
Life is truly beautiful, Y’all. Incredibly beautiful.