Ever since my ex and I broke up a month ago, I have successfully managed to rarely be home. I don’t know why but the more I stay busy and live life, the less it hurts and the less I overthink and subsequently over-complicate everything. In spite of my deep and unending desire for answers I will probably never get, I hate the pain of heartbreak… I would even argue that I despise it. So I stay busy. Sometimes my methods are productive and at other times, I’m just hurting myself more than I should be.
Since it has come into my life, I have found solace in a two-pound package that was my college graduation to me, from me gift. My hammock… On a side note, at the rate this post is going, I should probably name it. But anyways. There is something comforting about having the freedom to go to any lake, park or just my front yard, find two trees that are ten to twelve feet apart, and hang up my “pod” as my mother calls it.
I can sleep, write, eat, creep, people watch, and rest without usually being distracted. There is something beautiful in finding peace in the presence of the Almighty’s most wonderful masterpiece… Nature.
I could even argue that in my hanging moments, is when my heart begins to deeply heal. I am currently sitting about six feet or so from the lake and watching this guy and his dog in a kayak, fishing. For some reason today, the phrase, “You need to relearn the art of being alone…” has been weighing rather heavily on me.
Since the breakup, I have fought being alone with everything within me. It’s as if when I am alone, I have to face the pain of losing someone I love by myself. And maybe I do… But before I had gotten into the dating field, I wrestled significantly with loneliness. The thought of walking life alone scared me more than the thought of breaking up with someone I loved. I know loneliness on any level while being single should be anticipated, yet I need to learn to simply be alone….
But right now, as I hang in my hammock, the breeze from the lake gently swaying me from side to side, I know I am okay with being alone at the moment, enjoying nature, writing, observing, and dreaming old dreams that the Lord has filled me with…
And in this moment, I know I’ll be okay.