Today, on May 29th 2016, I decided that I need closure. You see, as a word crafter, I desperately need to create the words to the feelings and thoughts that have been in my mind in order to bring some semblance of order to my life so that my organized brain can fully process the extent of the situation. Yet I have been unable to find the words, as if I was unable to seek closure just yet. But I’ve had almost a month and a half to mull over the end of our relationship and these are the conclusions I have made after my time of contemplation.
1.) I really want to be mad. Like fuming, throw things at you, say all of the bitter and angry words that comes to my mind at times and the ones that probably should’ve come out when we were together. It’s a rage I haven’t experienced in a long time and a place I vowed to never let myself be again. Yet, I can feel myself fighting the desire to be angry at you and the situation. It is as if my desire to be angry is replaced with a feeling of simply needing to let go. And maybe that is a sign in and of itself.
2.) I saw a quote on Pinterest saying “You can tell so much about a person by the way they leave you,” and I never realized the truth in that statement until just now. Secrets, assumptions, lies will destroy any aspect of your life before your eyes. The truth, as much as it hurts, is the only way things last, people move on, situations change. And I desperately wish the truth just would’ve come out… Whatever it was.
3.) I think the world tells us that when we get hurt, we have a right to be mad, to wildly attack the person that hurt you. To go fifty shades of crazy, destroying everything on the path that reminds you of that person. We’re told that it’s okay to get drunk and text you all of the feelings you eradicated out of the soul to the poor victim, and screw around with other people just to get back at you. It’s almost arguable that being a passive aggressive individual is simply the way to go. And maybe in some ways that’s what I am doing. Half of me wants you to hurt as badly as I did, but at the same time, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Especially you. So just know that my actions that have taken place in the last month and a half aren’t me trying to get back to you, I’m desperate to leave the hurt and pain behind and move on.
4.) The person you once cared for and maybe loved, is no longer the same person you met 9 months ago. The sweet, caring person was replaced with a person who just can’t give two flying flips anymore. It’s not that I shouldn’t care, but something deep inside I really feel that I just can’t care anymore. At times it hurts too much to keep caring, even though it’s my nature. But in spite of the pain and hurt, I know that it’s keeping me from moving forward, flying for the first time. It’s hard to move forward when I still stop and look back at us, the pain, the struggles, the hurt and suddenness of its ending.
When I am a certain way for seven months, and then released, it changes a person. You know? In this phase of life, I feel I finally got free from the birdcage I was trapping myself in, and trying to relearn how to fly. And I feel it’s important to note that I was in that birdcage a long time before you. Sure, I may hit the ground the first few times, but I’ll get the hang of this freedom thing, or even better, maybe I already have. I’m pretty sure I have.
5.) I need you to know that this wild streak I have managed to get myself back in, wasn’t a result of us not being us anymore. Deep down I think I was born with a restless and wild streak a mile wide, and I need to learn to use that for the betterment of the world and our society. Because as you told me right before we said goodbye, “You’re going to do amazing things.” Please just know that I have to run myself completely wild and restless before I find home. And maybe my home is in the adventure and shenanigans that makes this life so incredible.
If anything this breakup caused me to realize how vital it is for me to find someone who can keep up with the speed that I tend to run in this life… And it’s okay that it wasn’t you. I feel like we both needed each other in the season of life we were in and that speaks volumes to who we have become as a result of us being us. But please know, that person is out there… Just like there’s a person for me who looks at the speed I run in life and gets excited that we have that in common. I just keep thinking, “Lord help us all,” when I think about a guy being excited to run alongside me.
6.) There are so many things I could say to lash out, to intentionally hurt you, to make a point. But like during our relationship and in the process of moving on, I’ll yield, simply because it’s not worth spitting out angry words anymore. And I don’t want to be the vengeful, angry person I was for a while there. So I’ll just say this.
I spent the first week after breaking up with you thinking, and maybe deep down, hoping, that you’d think you made the biggest mistake of your life and come running back. But after the week, I realized I liked having the freedom to move on to other people, to live the life I so desperately wanted, yet was so willing to give up to be together. And I didn’t want to go back to the way things were… You were a person I desperately needed in my life, to show me so many things I would’ve never learned had I gone my life not being your girlfriend, and in the end, that was where it ended. I felt so terrible feeling like this. That the end of our relationship deserved to be mourned, that I needed the time that everyone around me said I needed. But I was rearing to go, ready to plunge head first into the new phase of life I was walking into.
It was as if I walking through a doorway, stopping only to look at the past one last time, before moving on to the next phase of my life. In the quick glance, I could see myself press my hand to my lips, sending a kiss to you and the memories of the past before walking through that door, closing it tightly behind me. No longer were you a prospect of a future, yet a chapter of the past that doesn’t move forward with me.
As the door closed, I no longer needed the answers I thought I desired when I started writing this. I just had to know you were alive and well before I closed the door. As always, I needed to ensure that your safety and well-being was enough to put my mind to ease before I grabbed the handle of the door. Because unlike some doors in my past, it’s one that cannot be reopened, for its sealed shut by this ending. And that in itself presents the start of new chapter.