I’ve been tiptoeing between feeling ballsy and missing people today. I am in a phase of life where I am in the process of moving on from the past, yet it’s a bittersweet experience. You miss and long for the way things were, yet you are realizing how harsh and cruel the world tends to be at times when you start scooting yourself forward.
You see, in the eight months I was with that incredible guy, I had forgotten how demeaning and degrading men could be. I had a prospect of the past who tends to have reoccurring appearances in my life ask me after my breakup why I didn’t choose him and I had to be honest, he just wanted my body when I had someone who wanted all of me. Not the good and sexual side of me, but the good, bad, and often ugly sides of me.
As I was thinking about this earlier, I couldn’t help but think of a purchase of black lace underthings I had made the other day.
I know it’s too much information, but as I mentioned at the beginning of this post,
I’m feeling ballsy.
In the past, I would’ve sadly used my new underthings as a way to gain attention. And when I was buying these, maybe deep down, I still was.
But as I drove home, I couldn’t help but wonder,
“Why do I need to do anything for these people who wants my body, my beauty, and nothing else? Why should I stoop to such a low level that I not only lose my self-worth, but I actively engage in the one game I despise?”
This game, I am sadly getting way too good at playing, kills me to even think about. I enjoy meeting new people, talking and getting to know them, but I am so damn tired of being asked over and over again for something I am no longer willing to offer.
There’s this quote going in my head, and quite honestly, I’m simply aiming to be this life. It popped in my head as I was thinking about what I just wrote about and it hasn’t gone away.
“In this moment, she was absolutely glorious.”
Somewhere between then and now, I have forgotten how wonderful and glorious of a person I am.
Being rejected, pushed to the side, I take it personally every.single.time. I feel as if I am not woman enough or even good enough, and I shouldn’t feel like that. No one should have that kind of power to evoke such emotion from my being.
Sometimes I think I am too much of a woman, and I have learned that a long time ago that I’m not too much, simply enough. I’m a hurricane, and it takes a wild soul to know that I don’t need taming, I simply desire and need to be loved for who I am, in all of its chaotic beauty.
I shouldn’t take rejection personally because it’s their loss, not mine. It’s not that I was too much, but they just weren’t strong enough or smart enough to catch what I threw their way.
What I have to offer the world is more than a physical pleasure that will fade away eventually.
What every woman has to offer the world is not their body, their sexuality, but rather their beautiful souls. Their hearts, their aspirations, goals, dreams, motivations. Their smile and laughter, their desire to flip off the broken and destructive morals and standards of the generation we are a part of. To simply not just be another girl that caves to the moves that stupid and brainless men play to get us in bed, but rather realizing that we are worth so much more than that. So much more.
We need to be reminded that we don’t have to cave to such a low level to be with someone and realistically, we shouldn’t want to be with someone who causes us to even look down.
So who needs to know about those beautiful black lace things. It has the potential to make us just feel beautiful and woman enough without having a man lustfully look at us. Who else needs in on that?
I think in this moment, I needed to be reminded that no matter what any and I MEAN ANY man thinks. It can just be a beautiful secret between me, myself, and whoever reads this blog post.
*Keep it to yourself, readers! *
The beauty in the small things don’t need to be revealed to the world. Just like we don’t have to throw up everything in the air just to be an option to someone who doesn’t want anything more than part time pleasure from us.
We just need to be the glorious beings that we are and say F*** You to anyone who thinks differently.
PS: Those black lace things were on my 30 before 30 list. Another box checked off!
*Insert me dancing like a dork singing Another One Bites the Dust. *
Keep Calm and Shenanigans On!